As I've ventured out into dating again, I've been forced to deal with the various online applications that have been created for social interaction, aka "dating apps". As a technology guy, I initially got a kick out of the GPS features some of these apps offered, until someone pointed out to me that the features were really designed to make it easier for casual sex to take place (note that this came directly from two of the developers of such apps).
Whenever I hear the term "casual sex", the first thing that comes to mind is "Rhode Island, neither road nor island, discuss." In other words, the use of the phrase in this manner is somewhat meaningless.
After all, just what is casual sex? And just what part of sex is intended to be casual? By most definitions, sex is one of the most intimate things two people can do together. This kinda makes it the opposite of casual, no?
As a young gay man who graduated high school in 1984, I was caught up in the struggle of fearing sex because of the AIDS plague that was sweeping through gay men across the country, and embracing my sexuality. I wound up essentially shutting down sexually, as I focused on my education and career. I learned early on that there were plenty of guys that wanted sex, but don't want feelings. Can you really be casually intimate? I've struggled with this question.
I was admittedly surprised to see just how many guys' profiles on online dating apps make it clear that they are looking for no strings attached (NSA), random play, friends with benefits (FWB), and other sorts of casual or "discrete" hookups. Many of their profiles also point out that they are married, engaged, partnered, bi, or otherwise in "open relationships".
For years, I naively thought that having an FWB meant you had friends that worked retail or something like that, and whom would share their discounts with you. Imagine my surprise, when I learned that it meant someone you hang out with and have NSA casual sex with someone.
The idea goes something like this. You meet someone you get along with and who's company you enjoy. You communicate well with each other each other, laugh together, and are interested in each other's lives. You go out for meals in public and possibly attend events together. You have sex. This is still still "casual", right? After all, you're just friends with "benefits". It may be great for a short period of time, but even FWBs have a shelf life. After all, if you both truly enjoy each other's company inside and outside of the bedroom, you've likely developed feelings (whoa!). Lets face it, at some point, your FWB relationship either needs to progress or stop. And please, don't kid yourself - most of the time, it ends with hurt feelings.
Don't get me wrong as I'm by no means judging - particularly since I've met and hooked up with some of these guys - but I've learned that I just can't have sex with someone with whom I have absolutely no emotional connection. I can't easily separate the intimacy out of sex and make it casual.
I want to hold someone; I want to be held. I want to laugh with someone, enjoy each other's company, and establish a friendship outside of the bedroom.
Hopefully a friendship that can lead to a more serious, long-term, monogamous relationship.
"Casual sex" just doesn't do anything for me.
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