Dating Nightmare #1 - Can You Spare A Kidney?

During mid spring, I received an email from David via an online dating site, and I checked out his profile.  According to his profile, he is a well educated, 44 year old, management executive, looking to expand his circle of friends.

Interesting.  We exchanged several online messages, and eventually decided to meet for lunch, at a popular Asian food restaurant.  

Promptly seated, we place our lunch order, and chat.  Turns out that he is taking the summer off from work.  When I ask him if he is doing anything in particular, he tells me that he is getting a kidney transplant.  Having never known anyone that has been through anything like that, I'm kinda naturally intrigued, and ask him about the donor.  He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a tube with a swab in it, and asks me if I would like "swab" for him.  

At first, I thought he was joking.  Then I realized this wasn't a joke.  David was serious.  He was essentially asking me if I could spare a kidney!

"Are you kidding?" I asked.

"No, I'm not." He replied.  "It could save a life."

"So, have you been meeting guys off Match.com, looking for kidney?"

"My donor fell through, so my transplant team suggested that I should ask people I meet to swab for compatibility.  After all, you only need one."

"No, really.  I need both."

"No need to be rude.  You really only need one."

At that moment, lunch arrived.  It had to be one of the most awkward meals I've ever had.  I barely even drank any water, as I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom, and take a chance that he might slip anything into my meal!  I know, I know, that's a little over dramatic, but really?  REALLY? 

While I can appreciate that he may seriously be in need of a kidney, I couldn't help but wonder if he should be out eating Asian food.

The meal wrapped up slowly.  Silently.  We split the bill.  I left.

I had to "phone a friend" and ask her to stay on the phone with me all the way home.  I even took a longer route home, and doubled back several times.

While I certainly have great respect for anyone that finds themselves in need of a kidney, I just don't think that going onto a dating site to meet guys over lunch, and asking them to "swab" is appropriate.

But, that's just me.

Ugh.

[In order to protect the "innocent", all dates I write about are called "David" or "Dave".  Any resemblances to actual Davids or Daves, Jims, James, Toms, Mikes, or Greggs, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Oh, and all nightmare dates are delayed by at least 90 days, "just because".]

Dating Lesson #5 - Dating and Casual Sex

As I've ventured out into dating again, I've been forced to deal with the various online applications that have been created for social interaction, aka "dating apps".  As a technology guy, I initially got a kick out of the GPS features some of these apps offered, until someone pointed out to me that the features were really designed to make it easier for casual sex to take place (note that this came directly from two of the developers of such apps).

Whenever I hear the term "casual sex", the first thing that comes to mind is "Rhode Island, neither road nor island, discuss."  In other words, the use of the phrase in this manner is somewhat meaningless.

After all, just what is casual sex? And just what part of sex is intended to be casual?  By most definitions, sex is one of the most intimate things two people can do together.  This kinda makes it the opposite of casual, no?  

As a young gay man who graduated high school in 1984, I was caught up in the struggle of fearing sex because of the AIDS plague that was sweeping through gay men across the country, and embracing my sexuality.  I wound up essentially shutting down sexually, as I focused on my education and career.  I learned early on that there were plenty of guys that wanted sex, but don't want feelings.  Can you really be casually intimate?  I've struggled with this question.

I was admittedly surprised to see just how many guys' profiles on online dating apps make it clear that they are looking for no strings attached (NSA), random play, friends with benefits (FWB), and other sorts of casual or "discrete" hookups.  Many of their profiles also point out that they are married, engaged, partnered, bi, or otherwise in "open relationships".

For years, I naively thought that having an FWB meant you had friends that worked retail or something like that, and whom would share their discounts with you.  Imagine my surprise, when I learned that it meant someone you hang out with and have NSA casual sex with someone.

The idea goes something like this.  You meet someone you get along with and who's company you enjoy.  You communicate well with each other each other, laugh together, and are interested in each other's lives.  You go out for meals in public and possibly attend events together.  You have sex.  This is still still "casual", right?  After all, you're just friends with "benefits".  It may be great for a short period of time, but even FWBs have a shelf life.  After all, if you both truly enjoy each other's company inside and outside of the bedroom, you've likely developed feelings (whoa!).  Lets face it, at some point, your FWB relationship either needs to progress or stop.  And please, don't kid yourself - most of the time, it ends with hurt feelings.

Don't get me wrong as I'm by no means judging - particularly since I've met and hooked up with some of these guys - but I've learned that I just can't have sex with someone with whom I have absolutely no emotional connection.  I can't easily separate the intimacy out of sex and make it casual.

I want to hold someone; I want to be held.  I want to laugh with someone, enjoy each other's company, and establish a friendship outside of the bedroom.

Hopefully a friendship that can lead to a more serious, long-term, monogamous relationship.

"Casual sex" just doesn't do anything for me.

What's your story?

I was out at a gay social meetup group not long ago, and I realized that every opening conversation was dominated by "What do you do?".  Everything I heard around me essentially  amounted to superficial chit-chat about what people "do" and what they "own".

I don't care what you do, where you went to school, or what you own.  I don't care what you drive, how much money you make, or about your education. I just want to know who you are.

What was your upbringing?  What challenges have you faced?  What hard lessons have you learned?  What have you achieved?  What are things along your path that have shaped you?  What is the most important life lesson you've learned so far?  What is your deepest fear?  What is your greatest dream for your life?

Who are you?  I want to know your story. What is it?

Everyone has one, and no two stories are the same.  Your story is part of what makes you unique.  Everyone that walks past you, or you drive by or that otherwise crosses your path has their own story, each waiting to be told. But you'll never hear it if you don't ask.  Will you ask?

It seems as though we prefer to understand and define people by what they "do" in the world.  For some reason, this is how we categorize and rank people's worth.

But think about that for a moment.  Does what you do matter more than who you are?  No, of course not.  What you do really is only a small part of who you are.

So who are you?  What's your story?

Why is it so difficult to interact with people on the level of who they are, rather than what they do?

Dating Profile #1

Several of the online smartphone dating apps have a very limited profile area.  Here is my online profile on these apps:

I have an education, all of my teeth, read books without pictures, watch movies with subtitles, can maintain conversations on many topics, and don't consider Taco Bell an ethnic food.

That said, I'm looking for someone who mentally stimulates me.  I don't need to be completed, as I'm pretty good as I am.  I'm single, and would like to meet other similar, well-balanced, drama-free guys who have their shit together, to share life's journey with.

No, this isn't just a hookup site; it is what you make it.

Chatting here and just meeting other gay guys to hang with is always welcome. 

Safe.  Sane.  Regular guy.  I'm gay, but that certainly isn't the most interesting thing about me.

So far, I've received mixed reviews.  Some people find it clever (as intended); some have found it offensive (can't see how).  It is certainly tongue in cheek, and pokes some fun at some other guys online.  But I stand by it.

=]