Dating Lesson #4 - The only good flakes are in cereal

Be ware (and aware) of flakes!

So many flakes, and like snowflakes, all of them are so unique!

But I want to take a moment to focus on the first time the guy you're dating does something slightly flaky, like canceling plans last minute, or "forgetting" to answer text messages.  

It's just enough to throw you off, but not enough to justify pissing you off.  Especially, when the guy comes back and acts like nothing happened.

Just to be clear, I'm not needy.

And I don't expect to hang out every night with someone I'm seeing.  But if I'm sleeping with a guy, I do think it is reasonable to expect an answer back to a text within 48 to 72 hours.  In fact, I expect that from people I'm not sleeping with too!  Even though 48-72 hours isn't exactly "instant", I understand people have lives.

But really, to either start a text conversation with you and suddenly disappear, or just not bother to reply for days, really is discourteous.

Often, this is somewhat of a pull back on the guy's side, and there are usually two reasons it happens. Either it is to indirectly communicate to you that this will not progress into a relationship, or for some sort of  validation (e.g., when the guy pulls back and gets a reaction from you, he feels validated).  Regardless, this is often a clear sign of immaturity and insecurity.  

The really messed up part about this, is that when he gets the reaction he wanted, he will likely pull back even more.  The moment the guy thinks you're not thinking about him, he starts chasing you again.

*sigh*

While the song says, "Don't hate the player, baby.  Hate the game..." I'm more inclined to blame the flake playing the game.

The only games I'm interested in come in boxes labeled Milton Bradly and such.

Dating Lesson #3 - Slow down

The faster it starts, the sooner it will end.

While this may not always be the case, in my experience, when you have sex with someone too quickly, all logic and judgement goes out the window.  You both get caught up in the excitement and the endorphins, and all of a sudden, you think you know someone because you've been having sex with them and texting them for three weeks straight.

You don't know this person.  You just think you know the idea you've created of this person.

Don't get me wrong, it can be fun and exciting, and it may make you think you have "so much in common" or that you have a good sense of who this person is.  But just because a guy is sending you kiss face emoji, and is telling you how great he thinks you are, does not mean he has any intention of pursuing a relationship with you.

Sex creates an illusion of a relationship, but it does not lay the foundation for one.

Dating Lesson #2 - Inconsistent behaviors

Stop trying to figure out inconsistent behaviors.

There was a time when I actually spent time trying to figure out what a guy's flaky behaviors meant.

Why does he say he wants to hang out, but instead of making plans, just likes my FaceBook statuses?  Why does he talk to me or text me every day for a week and then go MIA?  Why does he appear out of the blue to suddenly get together?  How can he be so passionate one minute, and then just disappear the next?

It took some time to realize that it was likely because [while I'm grate in the sack], he likely had no intention of this developing into anything other than sex.  We'd have sex, we'd get closer, he'd disappear, I'd get confused, he'd come back, I'd let it go, and let the cycle repeat.

I let this persist until I realized that the only thing consistent about these guys, was their inconsistency.

They weren't serious about me.

Look.  When someone is being hot and cold with you, it is a sign to call him out on his bullshit, walk away, or realize that it is just a part of him that won't change (and you should likely lower your expectations).  It really doesn't matter why the guy is going MIA.  What matters is that you are wasting your time by trying to figure him out.

When a guy is inconsistent, it means he either doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know what you want, or he doesn't know how to communicate either to you.  Or perhaps, he has some deeper underlying personality disorder (… so many to choose from…).

Don't waste your time trying to figure out what you did wrong, or what you can do to get the guy to act the way you want him to, as that really is out of your control.  What is in your control, though, is just how much bullshit you want to accept in your life, and how you want to react to it.

In the past, I thought that if a guy really liked me, he would act differently.  However, here's the truth:  That guy acted like that before you met him, and he will likely continue to act that way long after you.

You can't change people.  Really.  You just can't.  If someone just isn't ready to let you into his life, it's just not going to happen.

Move on.

There really isn't any reason to put up with inconsistent behaviors.

You deserve better - I know I do.

Dating Lesson #1 - Emotional availability

We often choose people who have commitment issues because we may have commitment issues.

Following a series of disappointing dates and false starts, I had no choice but to examine the role I was playing in all of this.

I started to notice a pattern.  I'd meet a guy, we'd hit it off, and just when I started to feel like there might be some potential, he'd turn into a flake.  I would then blame myself for either not expressing enough emotion or conversely, expressing too much emotion.  I'm neither desperate nor lonely by any means, but something seemed wrong.  Was it me?  Was it them?  So, I decided to look at what was going on from a fresh perspective.

One of my favorite quotes has always been "Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Just about every guy that I've dated this past year has come with some sort of disclaimer about "just getting out of a relationship," or "not really looking for anything serious," or "really just focusing on his career."  It seemed far too easy for me to ignore these giant red flags, and then I got disappointed in myself for spending so much time on something that went nowhere?  Subconsciously, I probably chose to date this guy or that guy knowing that they would eventually just back off.

This was a major lightbulb moment - I've been dating guys that were emotionally unavailable, and likely had commitment issues.  Just like my ex.  Ugh.

I had created my own self-fulfilling prophecy or paradox.  By getting involved with guys who lack emotional availability and have commitment issues to begin with, they will eventually leave.  Oddly enough, this therefore validated my misguided assumption that if I let someone into my life, I will inevitably get hurt by him.

I've always been a big proponent of the belief that people have more power over their lives than they give themselves credit for.  While I am certainly emotionally available, this discovery about myself made me realize that I had my own commitment issues to work through.

And I'm doing that.  :)

Once I figured out why I was choosing these guys, my perspective changed.  I've changed the way that I look at guys, and the guys I look at have changed.

When the sun comes up, you had better be running.

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  The gazelle knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.

Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.  The lion knows it must run faster than the fastest gazelle, or it will starve to death.

It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.

Every morning, as you awaken and the sun comes up, you'd better be running.

Narcissism

Personality orders are insidious, and seem to be something that most of us never really learn about (unless you happen to make your living as a therapist).  

As a big fan of the saying "you don't know what you don't know", I think it is important to share this with others so that they can avoid the damage narcissists routinely cause.

Can you define what narcissism is?  Can you recognize the signs of a relationship with a narcissist?  Do you understand how narcissism works? 

Read the list below.  Stop after each bullet item and reflect on what you just read.  Does this characterize the relationship you are in (or have been in). 

• Nothing will ever be his fault.
• He'll never be there for you.  Ever.  No matter what.
• He will always be the 'tragic victim'.
• He will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments.  Everything will be about him.
• Everything will be either his way or the highway.
• He'll never, ever, admit to being wrong.
• He'll be angry with you every single day.
• Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for several weeks at a time, especially if you point out one of his flaws.
• The world will always revolve around him.
• While you do everything possible for your relationship; he'll do nothing.

If any of the items in this list resonate with you, you may be involved with a narcissist - and if you're not, you are at the very least involved in a very bad relationship.  In either case, you should consider seeking out a therapist to talk to, or someone else that can help you better assess your situation.  At least go out and Google narcissism to read about what others have experienced, as you may find other's stories that resonate with you.

My story isn't too different from most of the others you may find online.  

Even though I was the model husband - supportive, caring, nurturing, loving, and willing to compromise - I was married to a man that routinely exhibited all of the characteristics in the list, along with constantly being critical and judgmental of everyone around him.  

Nothing ever seemed to please him, and I spent years silently suffering and rationalizing that it was me or something I was doing wrong.  He took every opportunity available to pound me into the emotional dirt, while constantly seeking new streams of affirmations, attention, and admiration to fill the broken vessel of his soul.  He sought this from friends, family, coworkers, strangers, and anyone else he could tap into, which is one of the reasons why narcissists are rarely faithful.

As soon as I became insufficient for his ego, the devaluing began, as he prepared to discard me and move onto someone else.  The fact of the matter is that though he had asked me to marry him, I never existed as either a human being or an object of love and desire for him - at best, I was an extra in his life, there for his ego and to serve as a scapegoat.  Our relationship eventually reached its inevitable end, and he was gone.

The end was confusing, as I assessed myself in an attempt to identify what I had done wrong, or what was wrong with me.  Then someone shared the above list with me and everything clicked into place.  I had married a narcissist.  At that time, I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew it was true, and I began researching online.

Fundamentally, narcissism is a pathological disorder, which is considered to be an incurable and permanently embedded personality disorder. Behind the mask of my narcissistic husband was an emotionally undeveloped little boy, constantly seeking the attention that he didn't get as a child.  My husband had a warped sense of reality, and lacked any empathy whatsoever for anyone left to clean up the mess he left behind.  He was, in every sense of the word, a con.

As I managed to understand more about narcissism, it slowly dawned on me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that there wasn't anything wrong with me.

I survived, brushed myself off, got myself back on my feet, and managed to successfully move forward with my life.

I got out of his shadow, and put him behind me.

So can you.