Dating Lesson #1 - Emotional availability

We often choose people who have commitment issues because we may have commitment issues.

Following a series of disappointing dates and false starts, I had no choice but to examine the role I was playing in all of this.

I started to notice a pattern.  I'd meet a guy, we'd hit it off, and just when I started to feel like there might be some potential, he'd turn into a flake.  I would then blame myself for either not expressing enough emotion or conversely, expressing too much emotion.  I'm neither desperate nor lonely by any means, but something seemed wrong.  Was it me?  Was it them?  So, I decided to look at what was going on from a fresh perspective.

One of my favorite quotes has always been "Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Just about every guy that I've dated this past year has come with some sort of disclaimer about "just getting out of a relationship," or "not really looking for anything serious," or "really just focusing on his career."  It seemed far too easy for me to ignore these giant red flags, and then I got disappointed in myself for spending so much time on something that went nowhere?  Subconsciously, I probably chose to date this guy or that guy knowing that they would eventually just back off.

This was a major lightbulb moment - I've been dating guys that were emotionally unavailable, and likely had commitment issues.  Just like my ex.  Ugh.

I had created my own self-fulfilling prophecy or paradox.  By getting involved with guys who lack emotional availability and have commitment issues to begin with, they will eventually leave.  Oddly enough, this therefore validated my misguided assumption that if I let someone into my life, I will inevitably get hurt by him.

I've always been a big proponent of the belief that people have more power over their lives than they give themselves credit for.  While I am certainly emotionally available, this discovery about myself made me realize that I had my own commitment issues to work through.

And I'm doing that.  :)

Once I figured out why I was choosing these guys, my perspective changed.  I've changed the way that I look at guys, and the guys I look at have changed.