Dating Nightmare #4 - Lip Liner

Early in the summer, I got matched up via Match.com with David.

After exchanging several emails on Match, we moved over to IM, and then chatted on the phone.  He seemed interesting, and nice enough, so we decided to meet up for lunch one weekend at a classy restaurant in Concord (MA).

Arriving promptly, I waited in the [not very well lit] entryway, and he eventually arrived (late).  We were promptly seated, and it wasn't until we were seated that I realized he was wearing lip liner.

Yes, lip liner.

The kind used to point out "Hey, in case you can't find my lips... they are RIGHT HERE!"

To be honest, I was kinda shocked, and didn't say anything.

Promptly enough the server approached us.  She smiled at me and then looked at David, did a double take and looked back at me with a questioning gaze.  I shrugged.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and on the way out, the server stopped me with a smile.  "Hey, are you guys on a date?"  *sigh* "Yes, but it is the first time we've met.", I explained.  "You weren't expecting lip liner, I bet!" she pointed out.  "Nope.  Can't say I was."  "If you want to leave, there is a way out the back over here, and I'll go get anything you left at the table, if you want." She offered.

"No way!  I'm here for the food!  I've heard about this place from lots of friends, but never had a chance to try it, so I'll make the best of it!" I eagerly explained.

"You're here for the food?  Ok." and she walked away.

Throughout lunch, the server brought out smaller plate after sampler plate, explaining that they were "compliments of the Chef" and walking me through each plate.  The food was awesome, and I look forward to going back with friends.

As for the date.  Lets just say that the lip liner was the most interesting thing about him.  Ugh.

Lip liner.  Ugh.

[In order to protect the "innocent", all dates I write about are called "David" or "Dave".  Any resemblances to actual Davids or Daves, Jims, James, Toms, Mikes, or Greggs, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Oh, and all nightmare dates are delayed by at least 90 days, "just because".]

Dating Nightmare #3 - The Roman Soldier

So I met Dave on Match.com.

We exchanged emails a few times, chatted online a few times, spoke on the phone a few times, and then decided to go out and grab a bite together for lunch one weekend.

Innocent enough, right?

We confirm the day before, and then he calls me the morning of to tell me he has an issue with his car.  Thinking nothing of it, I offered to pick him up.

Now, I know, I know.  Here I go to some stranger's house, right?  But, hey, we talked enough times that he seemed like a nice guy.  Beside, he lives in a somewhat ritzy town, so what could go wrong?

So, I show up at his place.  It's an awesome home, with a nice long driveway, and I noticed that the home itself was very secluded with lots of hedges and trees.

I ring the door bell and wait.  And wait.  And wait.  Eventually I ring the door bell again.  The door opens as he says "Hey, I'm glad you could make it - come on in - sorry about that."

He is standing behind the door.

I walk in.

Looking to my left, I see a rather LARGE cross.  Yes, as in a CROSS.  In the middle of what I would think was the family room.

Surrounding the cross are all sorts of candles.  Big candles.  Small candles.  Some in jars.  Others on pillars.  LOTS of candles.

At this point, I hear the door start to close.  I stop, and turn around to ask him why he has a cross burning in his family room.  And I find myself totally dumfounded and without words.

Dave is standing there dressed like a Roman soldier.  Helmet - check.  Skirt - check.  Belt, sandals, and sword - check, check, check.

"Wanna get naked, stand on the cross, and jerk off on me?" he asks.

There were no words.  None.  I was numb.  Was it the scene?  The outfit?  The request?  I dunno.  All of the above?

I tried to say something, but my feet beet my tongue as they carried me to the door and I left.

I just left.

He said something, but by then, I was on full autopilot.  My ears were shut down.  My tongue didn't work.  All I could think about was getting to my car, locking the doors, starting it up, and getting out of there.

And that is exactly what I did.

My phone started ringing.  I put his number on ignore.  Emails started popping up.  I added them to a blocked list.

Even describing this gives me the creeps.

Who the hell was this person that I thought I had had some really interesting (in a good way) discussions with.

Just some guy on Match.com.  That's who he was.

*sigh*


[In order to protect the "innocent", all dates I write about are called "David" or "Dave".  Any resemblances to actual Davids or Daves, Jims, James, Toms, Mikes, or Greggs, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Oh, and all nightmare dates are delayed by at least 90 days, "just because".]

Dating Profile #2

Several of the online web-based dating apps offer an expanded profile area.

Here is my online profile at Match.com:

Hola! Tired of wasting your time on this and other apps? Interested in establishing real friendship which may lead to the best relationship in your life? Looking for a real connection? Then invest an additional 50 seconds into reading the rest of my profile! =] This genuine, down to earth yet above average, independent, drama-free, romantic and passionate Cuban guy, is looking to meet and bond with other similar guys who aren't into the club scene. I'm particularly interested in other stable guys for dinners, drinks, gym or travel buddies, learning something new about the world, challenging each other, laughing together, and enjoying life. I'm a big kid at heart, have been in long term relationships, and appreciate a good sense of humor and sarcasm along with unshakable optimism. Want to learn more about me? Ask! Or better yet, lets meet up without any pressure, assumptions, or expectations. You will quickly learn that I'm a well-grounded, friendly, low maintenance guy; I'm equally adept with the simple and the sophisticated, humble and modest yet talented, considered a good catch, and totally "take home to mom" material. But wait - there's more! Curious? Then lets get a dialog going! DISCLAIMER: I can't do back-flips, don't make a seven figure income, and am not looking to improve or impress anyone. I'm also not looking for someone to complete me, as I'm not missing any parts and am pretty good as I am, though I'm always open to being challenged, and know how to admit when I'm wrong. I'm athletic, work out at least 5x a week, box, and like to stay active, but that doesn't mean you have to. While I'm certainly open to expanding my network of friends, a stable long-term healthy and monogamous relationship is the ideal. Guys looking for casual sexual encounters should spare us both the waste of time. Life is short and can get busy - why not take a chance and break the ice by dropping me an email to say "Hola!" You won't be sorry you did - these 50 seconds might just be the best 50 seconds you've ever invested!

Meanwhile, over at OKCupid.com my profile reads:

"Sometimes our lives have to be completely shaken up, changed, and rearranged to relocate us to the place we are meant to be." 

Hola! 

I'm a single professional with a great moral compass, who knows the roads I've traveled, and has learned how to enjoy life while ignoring life's speed bumps. 

My closest friends describe me as genuine, happy, judgment-free, down-to-earth, laid-back, drama-free, reliable, low-maintenance, well-centered, loyal, kind, rugged, honest, resilient, and an overall "great catch." My colleagues often refer to me as a hard working, confident, mature, intelligent, responsible, driven, even-keeled, technical, observant and an insightful team player. My closest friends and colleagues have reviewed and approved this profile; Are they accurate? Yeah, they are - though I'm actually modest too. 

I have an education, all of my teeth, read books without pictures, watch movies with subtitles, can maintain conversations on many topics, and don't consider Taco Bell an ethic food. I am looking for a guy who appreciates the finer things in life and is willing to settle for me. :) 

That said, I'm looking for someone who mentally stimulates me. I don't need to be completed, as I'm pretty good as I am. I'm single and would like to meet other similar, well-balanced, drama-free, guys to share life's journey with. Hopefully, that's why you're here too - after all, it's all about the journey. 

I've been in long term relationships, know how to share my life with others, am bright with a positive attitude and believe that one has more power over one's life than is often obvious. One is what one does. 

I've always welcomed new experiences, enjoy meeting new people, and tend to get along best with other guys who are independent, have a sense of who they are, know how to take care of themselves, have their own opinions, enjoy intellectual conversations, have a sense of humor, and prefer an equal balance in a relationship. I'm comfortable being me, passionate and a very tactile guy; I believe in a monogamous and long-term relationship, and won't allow someone to become a priority in my life if I'm only an option in theirs. 

I smile when you do, and enjoy a good laugh. I know how to listen, and friends and colleagues often turn to me to help them think through complex decisions. I am deeply grateful for the life I've been given, forever indebted to the friends and family who are so dear to me, and for all of the opportunities that have followed me through my life. 

I enjoy walks and hikes with my dogs, and I find the stars to be peaceful. I've just started tinkering with a Raspberry Pi computer, and have recently tuned the classical guitar I grew up playing. I'm not bad in the kitchen either. 

I believe that how you spend your days is how you spend your life - after all, what you do with this hour and with the next one, and the next one after that throughout your day, adds up to what you are doing with your life. Think about it. 

Life really is too short, so why not take a chance? 

Say "Hola" and meet one of the good guys that are out here. Real. Rugged. Genuine.

I thought these would offer a little departure from what appear to be short, abbreviated, or single paragraph profiles on these sites.

=]

Dating Nightmare #2 - What's YOUR online dating profile name?

At the start of the summer, I received an email from David via an online dating site, and I checked out his profile.  According to his profile, he is a well educated, 47 year old, hotel manager, looking to expand his circle of friends.

Innocent enough, right?  So we changed several online messages, and decided to meet to grab a beer at a bar in Nashua.  Not somewhere I would have ever gone, but hey, I'm all about expanding my horizons and trying new things!

I arrive, and find him at the bar having a beer.  I introduce myself, sit down, order a beer, and make chit chat.

At one point, he leans in to me and the dialogue takes a slightly twisted turn:

"How do you like my pants?" he whispers into my ear - "I wore them just for you."

"Excuse me?" I asked - "What do you mean by that?"

"You know.  Most guys like to see me in my tight pants." He explained.

"What? I'm sorry, but I'm not following you..."

"I'm sorry", he tells me.  "Which website did we meet on?"

"Um, Match.com, why?"

"Oh! I'm sorry, I thought we met on Manhunt!" He explains.

"No.  We met on Match.com.  Does that make a difference?" I ask

"Well, I have a different profile name on Manhunt" He tells me.

Before I could check myself, my curiosity gets the better of me, and I ask him, "What's your profile name on Manhunt?"

With a wide smile, he tells me that it's "Megadick11."

I stared at him in the eye for a second, while he grinned back.  Then I turned to the bartender and asked for my check.

"Excellent!" he says - "I live around the corner!"

I turn to him, and explain "I'm sorry, I have to get home to my dogs."

At which point he gets all flustered.  "I thought we would head home and play a while!"

"No.  No.  I'm sorry, but no.  It really is kinda late, and I have to get home to my dogs."

I paid my tab and left.  As soon as I got into the car, I immediately blocked him and then deleted him from my phone.

So take heed, dear reader.  I recommend you take great care, and think about what your dating profile name may convey to others.

What's mine?  I use either QbanTechGuy or Cubano66, on the dating sites I have profiles.

:)

[In order to protect the "innocent", all dates I write about are called "David" or "Dave".  Any resemblances to actual Davids or Daves, Jims, James, Tom, Mike, or Gregg's, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Oh, and all nightmare dates are delayed by at least 90 days, "just because".]

Dating Nightmare #1 - Can You Spare A Kidney?

During mid spring, I received an email from David via an online dating site, and I checked out his profile.  According to his profile, he is a well educated, 44 year old, management executive, looking to expand his circle of friends.

Interesting.  We exchanged several online messages, and eventually decided to meet for lunch, at a popular Asian food restaurant.  

Promptly seated, we place our lunch order, and chat.  Turns out that he is taking the summer off from work.  When I ask him if he is doing anything in particular, he tells me that he is getting a kidney transplant.  Having never known anyone that has been through anything like that, I'm kinda naturally intrigued, and ask him about the donor.  He reaches into his pocket, pulls out a tube with a swab in it, and asks me if I would like "swab" for him.  

At first, I thought he was joking.  Then I realized this wasn't a joke.  David was serious.  He was essentially asking me if I could spare a kidney!

"Are you kidding?" I asked.

"No, I'm not." He replied.  "It could save a life."

"So, have you been meeting guys off Match.com, looking for kidney?"

"My donor fell through, so my transplant team suggested that I should ask people I meet to swab for compatibility.  After all, you only need one."

"No, really.  I need both."

"No need to be rude.  You really only need one."

At that moment, lunch arrived.  It had to be one of the most awkward meals I've ever had.  I barely even drank any water, as I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom, and take a chance that he might slip anything into my meal!  I know, I know, that's a little over dramatic, but really?  REALLY? 

While I can appreciate that he may seriously be in need of a kidney, I couldn't help but wonder if he should be out eating Asian food.

The meal wrapped up slowly.  Silently.  We split the bill.  I left.

I had to "phone a friend" and ask her to stay on the phone with me all the way home.  I even took a longer route home, and doubled back several times.

While I certainly have great respect for anyone that finds themselves in need of a kidney, I just don't think that going onto a dating site to meet guys over lunch, and asking them to "swab" is appropriate.

But, that's just me.

Ugh.

[In order to protect the "innocent", all dates I write about are called "David" or "Dave".  Any resemblances to actual Davids or Daves, Jims, James, Toms, Mikes, or Greggs, living or dead is purely coincidental.  Oh, and all nightmare dates are delayed by at least 90 days, "just because".]

Dating Lesson #5 - Dating and Casual Sex

As I've ventured out into dating again, I've been forced to deal with the various online applications that have been created for social interaction, aka "dating apps".  As a technology guy, I initially got a kick out of the GPS features some of these apps offered, until someone pointed out to me that the features were really designed to make it easier for casual sex to take place (note that this came directly from two of the developers of such apps).

Whenever I hear the term "casual sex", the first thing that comes to mind is "Rhode Island, neither road nor island, discuss."  In other words, the use of the phrase in this manner is somewhat meaningless.

After all, just what is casual sex? And just what part of sex is intended to be casual?  By most definitions, sex is one of the most intimate things two people can do together.  This kinda makes it the opposite of casual, no?  

As a young gay man who graduated high school in 1984, I was caught up in the struggle of fearing sex because of the AIDS plague that was sweeping through gay men across the country, and embracing my sexuality.  I wound up essentially shutting down sexually, as I focused on my education and career.  I learned early on that there were plenty of guys that wanted sex, but don't want feelings.  Can you really be casually intimate?  I've struggled with this question.

I was admittedly surprised to see just how many guys' profiles on online dating apps make it clear that they are looking for no strings attached (NSA), random play, friends with benefits (FWB), and other sorts of casual or "discrete" hookups.  Many of their profiles also point out that they are married, engaged, partnered, bi, or otherwise in "open relationships".

For years, I naively thought that having an FWB meant you had friends that worked retail or something like that, and whom would share their discounts with you.  Imagine my surprise, when I learned that it meant someone you hang out with and have NSA casual sex with someone.

The idea goes something like this.  You meet someone you get along with and who's company you enjoy.  You communicate well with each other each other, laugh together, and are interested in each other's lives.  You go out for meals in public and possibly attend events together.  You have sex.  This is still still "casual", right?  After all, you're just friends with "benefits".  It may be great for a short period of time, but even FWBs have a shelf life.  After all, if you both truly enjoy each other's company inside and outside of the bedroom, you've likely developed feelings (whoa!).  Lets face it, at some point, your FWB relationship either needs to progress or stop.  And please, don't kid yourself - most of the time, it ends with hurt feelings.

Don't get me wrong as I'm by no means judging - particularly since I've met and hooked up with some of these guys - but I've learned that I just can't have sex with someone with whom I have absolutely no emotional connection.  I can't easily separate the intimacy out of sex and make it casual.

I want to hold someone; I want to be held.  I want to laugh with someone, enjoy each other's company, and establish a friendship outside of the bedroom.

Hopefully a friendship that can lead to a more serious, long-term, monogamous relationship.

"Casual sex" just doesn't do anything for me.

What's your story?

I was out at a gay social meetup group not long ago, and I realized that every opening conversation was dominated by "What do you do?".  Everything I heard around me essentially  amounted to superficial chit-chat about what people "do" and what they "own".

I don't care what you do, where you went to school, or what you own.  I don't care what you drive, how much money you make, or about your education. I just want to know who you are.

What was your upbringing?  What challenges have you faced?  What hard lessons have you learned?  What have you achieved?  What are things along your path that have shaped you?  What is the most important life lesson you've learned so far?  What is your deepest fear?  What is your greatest dream for your life?

Who are you?  I want to know your story. What is it?

Everyone has one, and no two stories are the same.  Your story is part of what makes you unique.  Everyone that walks past you, or you drive by or that otherwise crosses your path has their own story, each waiting to be told. But you'll never hear it if you don't ask.  Will you ask?

It seems as though we prefer to understand and define people by what they "do" in the world.  For some reason, this is how we categorize and rank people's worth.

But think about that for a moment.  Does what you do matter more than who you are?  No, of course not.  What you do really is only a small part of who you are.

So who are you?  What's your story?

Why is it so difficult to interact with people on the level of who they are, rather than what they do?

Dating Profile #1

Several of the online smartphone dating apps have a very limited profile area.  Here is my online profile on these apps:

I have an education, all of my teeth, read books without pictures, watch movies with subtitles, can maintain conversations on many topics, and don't consider Taco Bell an ethnic food.

That said, I'm looking for someone who mentally stimulates me.  I don't need to be completed, as I'm pretty good as I am.  I'm single, and would like to meet other similar, well-balanced, drama-free guys who have their shit together, to share life's journey with.

No, this isn't just a hookup site; it is what you make it.

Chatting here and just meeting other gay guys to hang with is always welcome. 

Safe.  Sane.  Regular guy.  I'm gay, but that certainly isn't the most interesting thing about me.

So far, I've received mixed reviews.  Some people find it clever (as intended); some have found it offensive (can't see how).  It is certainly tongue in cheek, and pokes some fun at some other guys online.  But I stand by it.

=]

Dating Lesson #4 - The only good flakes are in cereal

Be ware (and aware) of flakes!

So many flakes, and like snowflakes, all of them are so unique!

But I want to take a moment to focus on the first time the guy you're dating does something slightly flaky, like canceling plans last minute, or "forgetting" to answer text messages.  

It's just enough to throw you off, but not enough to justify pissing you off.  Especially, when the guy comes back and acts like nothing happened.

Just to be clear, I'm not needy.

And I don't expect to hang out every night with someone I'm seeing.  But if I'm sleeping with a guy, I do think it is reasonable to expect an answer back to a text within 48 to 72 hours.  In fact, I expect that from people I'm not sleeping with too!  Even though 48-72 hours isn't exactly "instant", I understand people have lives.

But really, to either start a text conversation with you and suddenly disappear, or just not bother to reply for days, really is discourteous.

Often, this is somewhat of a pull back on the guy's side, and there are usually two reasons it happens. Either it is to indirectly communicate to you that this will not progress into a relationship, or for some sort of  validation (e.g., when the guy pulls back and gets a reaction from you, he feels validated).  Regardless, this is often a clear sign of immaturity and insecurity.  

The really messed up part about this, is that when he gets the reaction he wanted, he will likely pull back even more.  The moment the guy thinks you're not thinking about him, he starts chasing you again.

*sigh*

While the song says, "Don't hate the player, baby.  Hate the game..." I'm more inclined to blame the flake playing the game.

The only games I'm interested in come in boxes labeled Milton Bradly and such.

Dating Lesson #3 - Slow down

The faster it starts, the sooner it will end.

While this may not always be the case, in my experience, when you have sex with someone too quickly, all logic and judgement goes out the window.  You both get caught up in the excitement and the endorphins, and all of a sudden, you think you know someone because you've been having sex with them and texting them for three weeks straight.

You don't know this person.  You just think you know the idea you've created of this person.

Don't get me wrong, it can be fun and exciting, and it may make you think you have "so much in common" or that you have a good sense of who this person is.  But just because a guy is sending you kiss face emoji, and is telling you how great he thinks you are, does not mean he has any intention of pursuing a relationship with you.

Sex creates an illusion of a relationship, but it does not lay the foundation for one.

Dating Lesson #2 - Inconsistent behaviors

Stop trying to figure out inconsistent behaviors.

There was a time when I actually spent time trying to figure out what a guy's flaky behaviors meant.

Why does he say he wants to hang out, but instead of making plans, just likes my FaceBook statuses?  Why does he talk to me or text me every day for a week and then go MIA?  Why does he appear out of the blue to suddenly get together?  How can he be so passionate one minute, and then just disappear the next?

It took some time to realize that it was likely because [while I'm grate in the sack], he likely had no intention of this developing into anything other than sex.  We'd have sex, we'd get closer, he'd disappear, I'd get confused, he'd come back, I'd let it go, and let the cycle repeat.

I let this persist until I realized that the only thing consistent about these guys, was their inconsistency.

They weren't serious about me.

Look.  When someone is being hot and cold with you, it is a sign to call him out on his bullshit, walk away, or realize that it is just a part of him that won't change (and you should likely lower your expectations).  It really doesn't matter why the guy is going MIA.  What matters is that you are wasting your time by trying to figure him out.

When a guy is inconsistent, it means he either doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know what you want, or he doesn't know how to communicate either to you.  Or perhaps, he has some deeper underlying personality disorder (… so many to choose from…).

Don't waste your time trying to figure out what you did wrong, or what you can do to get the guy to act the way you want him to, as that really is out of your control.  What is in your control, though, is just how much bullshit you want to accept in your life, and how you want to react to it.

In the past, I thought that if a guy really liked me, he would act differently.  However, here's the truth:  That guy acted like that before you met him, and he will likely continue to act that way long after you.

You can't change people.  Really.  You just can't.  If someone just isn't ready to let you into his life, it's just not going to happen.

Move on.

There really isn't any reason to put up with inconsistent behaviors.

You deserve better - I know I do.

Dating Lesson #1 - Emotional availability

We often choose people who have commitment issues because we may have commitment issues.

Following a series of disappointing dates and false starts, I had no choice but to examine the role I was playing in all of this.

I started to notice a pattern.  I'd meet a guy, we'd hit it off, and just when I started to feel like there might be some potential, he'd turn into a flake.  I would then blame myself for either not expressing enough emotion or conversely, expressing too much emotion.  I'm neither desperate nor lonely by any means, but something seemed wrong.  Was it me?  Was it them?  So, I decided to look at what was going on from a fresh perspective.

One of my favorite quotes has always been "Once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

Just about every guy that I've dated this past year has come with some sort of disclaimer about "just getting out of a relationship," or "not really looking for anything serious," or "really just focusing on his career."  It seemed far too easy for me to ignore these giant red flags, and then I got disappointed in myself for spending so much time on something that went nowhere?  Subconsciously, I probably chose to date this guy or that guy knowing that they would eventually just back off.

This was a major lightbulb moment - I've been dating guys that were emotionally unavailable, and likely had commitment issues.  Just like my ex.  Ugh.

I had created my own self-fulfilling prophecy or paradox.  By getting involved with guys who lack emotional availability and have commitment issues to begin with, they will eventually leave.  Oddly enough, this therefore validated my misguided assumption that if I let someone into my life, I will inevitably get hurt by him.

I've always been a big proponent of the belief that people have more power over their lives than they give themselves credit for.  While I am certainly emotionally available, this discovery about myself made me realize that I had my own commitment issues to work through.

And I'm doing that.  :)

Once I figured out why I was choosing these guys, my perspective changed.  I've changed the way that I look at guys, and the guys I look at have changed.

When the sun comes up, you had better be running.

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  The gazelle knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed.

Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.  The lion knows it must run faster than the fastest gazelle, or it will starve to death.

It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle.

Every morning, as you awaken and the sun comes up, you'd better be running.

Narcissism

Personality orders are insidious, and seem to be something that most of us never really learn about (unless you happen to make your living as a therapist).  

As a big fan of the saying "you don't know what you don't know", I think it is important to share this with others so that they can avoid the damage narcissists routinely cause.

Can you define what narcissism is?  Can you recognize the signs of a relationship with a narcissist?  Do you understand how narcissism works? 

Read the list below.  Stop after each bullet item and reflect on what you just read.  Does this characterize the relationship you are in (or have been in). 

• Nothing will ever be his fault.
• He'll never be there for you.  Ever.  No matter what.
• He will always be the 'tragic victim'.
• He will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments.  Everything will be about him.
• Everything will be either his way or the highway.
• He'll never, ever, admit to being wrong.
• He'll be angry with you every single day.
• Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for several weeks at a time, especially if you point out one of his flaws.
• The world will always revolve around him.
• While you do everything possible for your relationship; he'll do nothing.

If any of the items in this list resonate with you, you may be involved with a narcissist - and if you're not, you are at the very least involved in a very bad relationship.  In either case, you should consider seeking out a therapist to talk to, or someone else that can help you better assess your situation.  At least go out and Google narcissism to read about what others have experienced, as you may find other's stories that resonate with you.

My story isn't too different from most of the others you may find online.  

Even though I was the model husband - supportive, caring, nurturing, loving, and willing to compromise - I was married to a man that routinely exhibited all of the characteristics in the list, along with constantly being critical and judgmental of everyone around him.  

Nothing ever seemed to please him, and I spent years silently suffering and rationalizing that it was me or something I was doing wrong.  He took every opportunity available to pound me into the emotional dirt, while constantly seeking new streams of affirmations, attention, and admiration to fill the broken vessel of his soul.  He sought this from friends, family, coworkers, strangers, and anyone else he could tap into, which is one of the reasons why narcissists are rarely faithful.

As soon as I became insufficient for his ego, the devaluing began, as he prepared to discard me and move onto someone else.  The fact of the matter is that though he had asked me to marry him, I never existed as either a human being or an object of love and desire for him - at best, I was an extra in his life, there for his ego and to serve as a scapegoat.  Our relationship eventually reached its inevitable end, and he was gone.

The end was confusing, as I assessed myself in an attempt to identify what I had done wrong, or what was wrong with me.  Then someone shared the above list with me and everything clicked into place.  I had married a narcissist.  At that time, I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew it was true, and I began researching online.

Fundamentally, narcissism is a pathological disorder, which is considered to be an incurable and permanently embedded personality disorder. Behind the mask of my narcissistic husband was an emotionally undeveloped little boy, constantly seeking the attention that he didn't get as a child.  My husband had a warped sense of reality, and lacked any empathy whatsoever for anyone left to clean up the mess he left behind.  He was, in every sense of the word, a con.

As I managed to understand more about narcissism, it slowly dawned on me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that there wasn't anything wrong with me.

I survived, brushed myself off, got myself back on my feet, and managed to successfully move forward with my life.

I got out of his shadow, and put him behind me.

So can you. 

Jedi mind tricks

The final paperwork from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts arrived this month, officially declaring my seven year marriage as null and void as a result of the annulment hearing I requested and attended in 2014.

The first thing that went through my mind (after "finally") was the following cartoon, which Star Wars aficionados may relate to below.

How does this relate to my annulment?  Well, since most people don't understand the difference between a divorce and an annulment, please allow me to educate you with this:

An annulment of marriage is a legal decree that a marriage is null and void.  Annulments are granted when a court makes a finding a marriage is invalid.  While a divorce ends a legally valid marriage, an annulment treats the marriage as if it never existed from its inception and is legally erased, declaring that the marriage wasn't ever valid.

Nice Jedi mind trick, right?  The cognitive dissonance this creates is interesting.

• Yes, I went through a marriage ceremony on 07/07/07.
• Yes, my best friend received special authorization from the Governor to officiate the ceremony.
• Yes, there were family and friends there.
• Yes, I have a copy of the marriage certificate.
• Yes, we were married for seven years.

But, not really, no.  Only temporarily.  Only in the memories of those that were there.  Once I submit the paperwork to the City clerk, the marriage certificate will be pulled, and no legal record of it will ever exist.

Just like a Jedi mind trick - only, I don't need to worry about being Force-choked!

Of course, even a Force-choke could't be any worse than what I lived through for seven years.

Thank you Commonwealth of Massachusetts for allowing me to get married, but thank you so much more for allowing me to get that marriage annulled.

Time to move on.