Narcissism

Personality orders are insidious, and seem to be something that most of us never really learn about (unless you happen to make your living as a therapist).  

As a big fan of the saying "you don't know what you don't know", I think it is important to share this with others so that they can avoid the damage narcissists routinely cause.

Can you define what narcissism is?  Can you recognize the signs of a relationship with a narcissist?  Do you understand how narcissism works? 

Read the list below.  Stop after each bullet item and reflect on what you just read.  Does this characterize the relationship you are in (or have been in). 

• Nothing will ever be his fault.
• He'll never be there for you.  Ever.  No matter what.
• He will always be the 'tragic victim'.
• He will never see you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, your accomplishments.  Everything will be about him.
• Everything will be either his way or the highway.
• He'll never, ever, admit to being wrong.
• He'll be angry with you every single day.
• Silent treatments and neglect can and do go on for several weeks at a time, especially if you point out one of his flaws.
• The world will always revolve around him.
• While you do everything possible for your relationship; he'll do nothing.

If any of the items in this list resonate with you, you may be involved with a narcissist - and if you're not, you are at the very least involved in a very bad relationship.  In either case, you should consider seeking out a therapist to talk to, or someone else that can help you better assess your situation.  At least go out and Google narcissism to read about what others have experienced, as you may find other's stories that resonate with you.

My story isn't too different from most of the others you may find online.  

Even though I was the model husband - supportive, caring, nurturing, loving, and willing to compromise - I was married to a man that routinely exhibited all of the characteristics in the list, along with constantly being critical and judgmental of everyone around him.  

Nothing ever seemed to please him, and I spent years silently suffering and rationalizing that it was me or something I was doing wrong.  He took every opportunity available to pound me into the emotional dirt, while constantly seeking new streams of affirmations, attention, and admiration to fill the broken vessel of his soul.  He sought this from friends, family, coworkers, strangers, and anyone else he could tap into, which is one of the reasons why narcissists are rarely faithful.

As soon as I became insufficient for his ego, the devaluing began, as he prepared to discard me and move onto someone else.  The fact of the matter is that though he had asked me to marry him, I never existed as either a human being or an object of love and desire for him - at best, I was an extra in his life, there for his ego and to serve as a scapegoat.  Our relationship eventually reached its inevitable end, and he was gone.

The end was confusing, as I assessed myself in an attempt to identify what I had done wrong, or what was wrong with me.  Then someone shared the above list with me and everything clicked into place.  I had married a narcissist.  At that time, I didn't even know what that meant, but I knew it was true, and I began researching online.

Fundamentally, narcissism is a pathological disorder, which is considered to be an incurable and permanently embedded personality disorder. Behind the mask of my narcissistic husband was an emotionally undeveloped little boy, constantly seeking the attention that he didn't get as a child.  My husband had a warped sense of reality, and lacked any empathy whatsoever for anyone left to clean up the mess he left behind.  He was, in every sense of the word, a con.

As I managed to understand more about narcissism, it slowly dawned on me that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that there wasn't anything wrong with me.

I survived, brushed myself off, got myself back on my feet, and managed to successfully move forward with my life.

I got out of his shadow, and put him behind me.

So can you.